It’s been pretty busy lately.
I can’t understand how I have been so busy, since I graduated from uni and I’m jobless. There’s always something to do and I can’t keep up, so that all of the things I have to do are urgent and I feel like I’m always in a hurry. I can’t seem to catch up and do things in advance to chill out a bit, because I always have to give the priority the the duties close to their deadline, and by the time I’m done with those, others are close to their deadline, etc etc.
I’m haunted by to-do lists, on my organiser, on my notebook, on my phone, on the computer and on the iPad. My grandma called me cause she hadn’t heard from me in a couple of days, which made me feel so guilty. I had been thinking of calling her but always putting it off. I have even put off booking some medical exams – I have finally called now. Applications to Master programmes are due in these days, I am in the process of changing my glasses, I had a job interview two days ago. I have friends to meet since I have just come back from Brazil after three months of absence, but they don’t know each other, so I have to meet them almost one by one. By the time I have met them all, I have to start the cycle all over again (unless I want to lose friends).
This was the moment when I wanted to put writing in the first place – writing on the blog, writing for magazines and writing “my book” – from now on I’ll be calling my blurry writing project “my book” – but life always gets in the way! About twenty days ago, when still in Brazil, I signed up for a project I had considered for some years already but never had the courage to sign up for: NaNoWriMo (this the link to my profile, in case you want to be writing buddies!). For whom is not familiar, it consists in writing 50.000 words in one month (November), while getting to know a community of fellow aspiring authors. This would mean writing roughly 1667 words per day. I haven’t yet got myself to write a 1.000-word travel article that I would get paid for, do you think I’m going to manage to write 1667 words per day? Me neither.
However, this community has always fascinated me. I have never had nobody to share my writing with – my friends and my boyfriend would read it, but I’m too shy to show them, and it’s not the same anyway. It’s different when you have a friend sharing your same passion for writing, who at the same time is distant enough so you can open up to her. It’s the shared passion that makes the difference.
Plus, I think it’s about time I drop all this self-shame and self-loathing. Why is it fine to hate yourself but you are vain or full of yourself if you like yourself? Who decided that liking yourself is wrong? I have a looong road in front of me to change this attitude towards myself, and failing at something I really care about might give me the chance to learn to forgive myself. Also, after these months of depression it will be good to have a motivation to get up in the morning and give meaning to my day.