2016 seems to be slipping through my fingers extremely fast. I blinked, and next thing I knew I had graduated from my BA, I had turned 25, and June had come and gone. Oh, and I had published virtually no posts on my blog.
Why have I published so little in the last six months? Mostly because my teenager paranoia is back, so “nothing I write is interesting enough”, “not even my friends can stand me, let alone some strangers on the net” and also “I’m ridiculous”. I’m lonely, but when I’m with somebody I feel overwhelmed and I want to be alone again. I’m lonely because I feel far and disconnected from everyone. In fact, I actually LOVE being on my own, but I can’t enjoy it properly anymore because I feel disconnected even from myself, and this is the weak point that anxiety uses to sneak back in.
And then relationships feel too tight, fun time with my friends feels too tight, my family feels too tight, loneliness feels too tight. And yet I feel I need them all, so I’m always running away from all of them and reach reaching for the next one, over and over. And I wanna be alone, but it feels like I’m closing up in myself again and that feels wrong, and I wanna be with somebody, but it feels like I’m leaning too much on others and that feels wrong, too, and before I know it I lost my centre. I can’t put enough meaning into my time alone, and all my conversations with others feel empty. I’m far and disconnected from everything and everyone.
On top of it all, I feel like I’m been watched and judged all the time. Like everything I say or do or think or feel is being examined and then sentenced as either good or bad. On a desperate attempt to numb the discomfort, I drank my way to rock bottom one night, where I ran into my self-esteem and probably stamped on it a couple of times, just in case it was still breathing. Needless to say, I spent the next twelve hours being physically sick, emotionally worse, and judging myself and moaning over the walking disaster I have become. And to think I was doing so good, just a couple of months ago…
But anxiety disorder is a bitch and you never know how and when it’s going to attack you next.
On the bright side, a sweet little part of me loves me, knows that ups and downs are part of life and loves it all the same. That’s my beam of light in the darkness. My centre.
I can’t tell you what an effort it’s going to be to publish this post, because “who is gonna care”, “I’m just gonna bore everyone with this nonsense” and “I can already imagine people laughing at me for posting this bullshit”. But you know what?
“Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage. Truth and courage aren’t always comfortable, but they are never weakness” – Brené Brown